Tip for scouting out psychopaths: watch for facial movement

If you're a regular reader, and I know I have at least one because she tells me so (hi, Mom), you know that I have a distaste for Facebook. Let's just say I hate it. Hate being a really strong word but maybe it's the word that comes closest to how I feel about it. I'll also throw in that I don't trust it, I think it's the devil, and I think it's the devil. In no particular order.

Why? you ask. I don't know. I think Facebook is the devil for a variety of reasons, none of them completely Facebook's fault. Kind of like if you were in a car accident right after a snake happened to slither out of its cage and cross your feet, you might think snakes cause car accidents for the rest of your life but really it was the drunk driver that rear-ended you, right?

I do know that in the last three years or so, almost every wild story that had me shaking my head and saying "why on earth would someone DO something like that" involved Facebook in one way or another.

Then there's the whole friend thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm on Facebook and I even visit it every once in a while (like bi-monthly), and plenty of my friends in real life are Facebook friends. But then there's all those other 'friends.' People I went to school with, people they went to school with, people I can't remember. It's odd.

Now it seems de rigeur for any business to be on Facebook. Need a proctologist? Friend them on Facebook! I'm a fan of Dr. Fanny. What does this get me? I have no idea except that I had to sign some sort of waiver giving someone all access to my entire history and all of my friends and their history and probably my bank account just to be Dr. Fanny's fan. But since I've already had my surgery, I'm not really sure why I need to keep up with Dr. Fanny's information, like what she's eating for lunch.

Then tonight? Tonight my fears were totally realized. The founder of Facebook, the Man Who Will Go Unnamed so that I don't lose my dog in a "freak" antifreeze poisoning incident, was on "60 Minutes" with Leslie Stahl. I've seen him before on the telly. But this time with all the cacophony of my darling children rampaging around me, I didn't so much get to listen to what he was saying as watch him saying whatever it was he was saying.

His face doesn't move. Seriously, people. If there is ever a true measure of a sociopath, it is this. The eyes are the window to your soul. They need to have expression. They need to move! Light up! Squint! Frown! Laugh! Do something, you freak, except sit there and let your lips do all the emoting. I saw no movement from the lips up. I even said to my husband "look, his face doesn't move. It's freaking me out."

He was sitting across from the lovely Leslie Stahl who's emoting the hell out of herself and he's got....nothing. Is there a human in there? Don't you have to be a human to be the CEO of a company with the sole purpose of taking over the world? Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

At some point, Leslie (emoting real human emotions or at least faking them properly) asks The Man "Do you want Facebook to take over the internet?" or maybe she said "Do you want Facebook to take over the world?" and he literally did not answer her. I believe there was silence and then I think he eventually said something like "well if life is social and you want to be with your friends then I would think that your friends would be the most important thing in your life oh look a baby wolf" which to me was "yes."

So. I continue on in my distrust of all things Facebook, confident in the fact that
1) I was right. and
2) That Man is up to No Good. You mark my words. You mark them.

*If Blogger's spell-check doesn't recognize Facebook as a word, do you think that's a ray of hope?

- H