Dear God: Just give me a heads up, would you?

We're Lutheran. I'm not so much Lutheran as not Lutheran, but my kin is Lutheran and since I'm of them, then I'm Lutheran, too. So, being a good Lutheran who isn't, I insist on going to church on Christmas Eve. Since I'm also the one who isn't, I typically just follow my parents around the globe and wherever they're going for Christmas Eve service, that's where I end up, and then my clingons follow me, and so on and so on.

This year we were at a fairly progressive Lutheran church. The pastor wore fancy jeans.

They sing songs with the karaoke screens that show you the lyrics, and they're usually songs that have been adulterated somehow. Not "Away in a Manger" or anything. No, we had a soloist (this alone I could write about for hours, but I will refrain) sing something about "Where's the Line for Jesus?" It's in the mall somewhere, according to her.

The pastor's pretty good at the talking parts. His messaging is pretty cool. So I was paying close attention when he started talking about Christmas lists and what you've asked for, and he said something like this: "God gives you what you need, not what you ask for." And then he launched into the Prayer of the Confederate Soldier, what with its message of be careful what you wish for and all.

And that's when the cold chill ran down my spine.

Hey, God. I am totally on board with you. I just really really could use a year where there isn't as much trauma as there has been the previous years. I can totally handle some hardship. Just look at the past few years! I've managed to keep my head afloat and my family's heads, too, right? And most of the time, except for large chunks of it, I have even maintained a pretty good attitude about it all. Right? OK, whatever, maybe not, I won't try to lie to you since you're God and all.

I'm just saying, maybe this upcoming year could be the Year of Heather? Kind of like the Year of the Goat, except different? And if you've decided 2011 isn't going to be the Year of Heather, could you at least float some sort of warning sign, like a flare in the night or something, so I can get my disaster preparedness kit ready? Cause you know how much I like to plan for the Worst Case Scenario.

There are a couple topics I'd like to really avoid in 2011 if at all possible. In no particular order, let's just say violence, famine, death, drugs, guns, cancer, cardiac problems, suicide, car accidents, danger, and guns, let's just take those off the table for 2011, kay? I will totally keep up my end of the bargain and do the absolute best I can to live the way you want me to live. I may swear a little more than you'd like, is that crossing a line? And if I shop too much, does that count? Cause I stopped shopping this year, but now I think I'd like to start again although just writing about it kind of makes me feel bad so no, I think I won't be shopping again this year.

Damn, that's going to make the new handbag I just ordered from Nordstrom kind of tricky. Well, I'll figure it out (with your help, I'm sure!), but I just want to say I appreciate all you've done for me and my family so far, and if we could just keep this between ourselves and keep that list of aforementioned items out of the picture, that would be awesome? Thanks.

I love you,

Heather
- H

The good news is I had pants on.

I've been a little tired lately. First, there was the new puppy in the house who cried at night and peed every five minutes. So every five minutes I was standing in the front yard with her, telling her to go potty. She did. She's well on her way to being potty trained, except for the part where she doesn't go potty in the house. That part is confusing to her.

Then there are the two children who live in this house with me. For a while there, the Small Boy was waking up in the night and crying for me. I'd bring him up to bed, he'd thrash around and make a lot of noise, kick, complain about stuff, and end up back in his crib happy as a clambake. I, on the other hand, was left wide awake, or at the very least only able to sleep another hour before the older one would come stumbling into my room to climb over me and hog the middle of the bed.

This went on for some time. Weeks.

This very week has been a bit challenging. Repeat of Small Boy's nighttime waking, which then served to wake puppy (who had actually been sleeping through the night for the past week or two, thank you very much), which then brought about a midnight stand in the front yard while she pottied, and then tromping back up to bed, and then bringing complaining Small Boy back down to his crib at 4:00, then another front yard stand while Ruby pottied because if I'm up, why can't she be up and after all there were voices in the house so she deserved to get up again.

Fridays are typically an office day for me. Which means I don't have to get dressed up, I just work from home and sit on conference calls most of the day. I put on my sweater knit lounge pants and a t-shirt. Then Cecilia, my cleaning lady who talks a lot, showed up, so I left the house for a while because it drives me nuts to be here while she's here and she comes on Fridays (yes, I need to revisit that idea).

I went where I always go when I need to get out of the house. Target. I shopped, stocked my cart full o' goodies, and came home. I was sitting at my desk, drafting a contract when I looked down.

My pants were on inside out.

Seams exposed.

Tag hanging out the back.

No wonder the girl behind me in line at Target looked at me funny.

- H