Quitting crack is really hard

I imagine it's super hard to quit real hard drugs.

Cause I quit Pepsi the other day, and I'm going to share a little secret with you. I think I might be dying. I'm weak. I have a headache that kind of makes me dizzy. Either that or I'm dizzy and it feels like I have a headache. And I'm cranky.

I feel hungry like I could eat the couch but we just ate dinner at 54th Street Grill. Where I ate my entire meal plus snuck bites of everyone else's food. And I'm cranky, did I mention that part?

I didn't really want to quit my beloved Pepsi, if I'm being truthful. It had just gotten to a point where my flabby belly was starting to look like those young teen girls who are drinking too much sugary drinks and wearing huge love handles over their ridiculously low-rise jeans. You've all seem them at the mall. I couldn't lose weight for love nor money but no one had offered me any money to try. I was considering joining Jenny Craig but I knew in my gut that the first thing they'd say is "well, you have to stop drinking soda." And then what's the point of eating their food if I can't wash it down with a cold bubbly fountain Pepsi?

Then there were all the food snobs who would say things like "oh, golly, I never drink soda because it's just so bad for you. All of that sugar, there are like seventeen thousand teaspoons of sugar in each ounce, did you know that?! And the chemicals could melt a bolt. No, I just drink pure water from a private spring in Switzerland or this all-natural neon green concoction of grass juice and wheat juice that's been fermented in a cow's belly that will totally boost your immune system. But soda, ick! It's so unnatural." Usually after one of those conversations I'd want to puke. Not because of my Pepsi. Because of that cracked out green powder they were pouring into their bottled Evian that's supposed to make them healthier or younger or prettier or sexier or richer or whatever.

Most food snobs are more run of the mill. Like my mom. "Honey, you have got to cut back on the soda. The chemicals in Pepsi have been found to leach your system of all its vital nutrients like calcium! Oh, and your kids don't drink enough milk either." I've known her for 37 years. Milk has been her hot-button for oh, about 36.75 of them.

I have just come to the honest realization that I am one of the unfortunate few who does not have the taste for healthful eating. I like fast food. I think it's tasty. I like Pepsi. It's my friend. I like pizza and cheeseburgers. This may also account for my stellar physique. But alas, if giving Pepsi up for a year or two weeks or however long it takes for me to fit into my jeans from last year (yes, almost the entire pile are shockingly tight or even *gasp* un-buttonable), then I'll do it.

Good Lord, if quitting Pepsi is this hard, imagine how hard it must be to quit crack or heroine?! [sic - I misspelled heroin but I kinda like the way it turned out, so I'm leaving it] That's a really good reason not to ever start taking drugs. Not to mention the other added benefits of not frying your brain and not going to prison or ruining your life or health or dying early. You know, the regular.

Say a little prayer for me as I travel through the DTs into the unknown. I hope to report back next week that I'm off the sauce and I'm thinner. I'll let you know.

- H