**sigh**...**sigh**

Ugh, I have ugliness in my heart today. Why? I'm being selfish for my baby. Today is the day of Griffie's birthday party. It was a lame party to begin with; we only invited family. That's primarily because Griffin hasn't formed any strong friendships yet.

Then Neil's grandma got very sick in hospice on Friday night and she's not expected to make it much longer. It's basically a waiting thing now. Which is morbid and very sad, but she's been in hospice for six months so it's also a blessing for her, to be able to go home.

The real problem here, is that her passing, even the threat of her passing, suddenly raises up all the old questions (most recently dormant, thank God) about Neil's mom's behavior. His uncle still doesn't know about the theft. His cousins don't know. His mom is now going to miss Griffin's party to be with her mother at the nursing home those two hours.

Now, I'm not saying it's not right that she should be there. It is right. But it's also right that she should have been a much better person all along than she's ever been. She never should have left her up there for weeks at a time while she spent her free time on the gambling boats. She shouldn't have used her money to gamble. She shouldn't have lied about it for so long, or hidden it from her brother and his family. They are, after all, Grammy's kids too.

So she chooses this one two hour window to suddenly do the right thing? No. Sorry, that's not what's happening. What's happening is she'd rather avoid seeing any of us who may or may not know about what she's done. So once again, Griffin gets the shaft. My BIL is also on some hunting thing today, so he won't be here either. And my own brother will be coming early with his family and leaving early because God forbid anyone actually block off a portion of time (two hours) for my kids. The same thing happened on Cooper's first birthday; they came an hour or two late and stayed 20 minutes.

Ugh. So I just wish I could crawl in a hole with my boys and pretend the rest of the world wasn't revolving. It's awful for me to feel this way, I know that. I need to work on it, but it's my gut instinct. I am mad right now.