Sunday Confession...forgive me Father, for I have envy

I don't know if this is a true confession, or just a story of a rough patch in my life. People know about it, so it's not really a secret.

When I was in college, I got myself into a little bit of a spending pickle. I overspent. Way overspent, and it all went on credit cards because who has any money in college?

I was lucky, my parents paid for school but I paid for the rest of my lifestyle by working odd jobs, like managing a tanning spa (can anyone say sun damage?). Unfortunately, those odd jobs didn't pay very well, other than I had a bitchin tan.

So I signed up for the many free offers available to unemployed college students and got a t-shirt plus a free Domino's pizza along with my 23% APR and $75 annual fee.

By the time I was done with school, I owed somewhere around $20,000 on credit cards and had very little to show for it. Believe it or not, that is not what today's confession is really about. The root of my problem was insecurity and envy. That's what this rambling story is about.

See, I had this little problem where I was self-conscious or insecure or sad or whatever, I'm not really sure what the word for it is. I would see a girl who looked like she really had her shit together, you know? Perfect hair, perfect skin, pretty clothes, great shoes, the works. And I would think (subconsciously or consciously) "hey, I saw those shoes at Von Maur, if I buy those shoes I'll look like she does." And by looking like she did, of course I would feel like I assumed she did, too, right?

So yeah, that's bathouse crazy but that's how I got myself into that mess.

The sad part is I would buy things, wear them once and never put them on again. They didn't magically solve all my problems or whatever it was I was looking for a pair of jeans to do, so I would go out and get another ____ [fill in the blank] and so on and so on until I ended up crying on my bedroom floor one day when I added up my total credit card debt. I made about $16,000 a year at that time, so owing more than your annual salary on credit cards is not a good thing.

The long story of how I got out of that mess will be told another day to avoid a ridiculously long post. It involved consumer credit counseling (DON'T DO IT, FILE BANKRUPTCY INSTEAD) and my dad and a very long period of poverty.

Anyway, I don't know why I wanted to tell that story today. I think there have been times since then that I recognize that urge to buy a new pair of jeans because it'll clearly fix all my problems, right? The other day I saw a girl walking into my fabric store and she had it going on. She had gorgeous blonde hair, a chic black trench coat, cropped black pants and clippity black kitten-heel mules. In a heartbeat I was twenty-one years old again, wondering if I could find those mules would I look as cool as she did and then feel as good as she must feel?

The funny thing is, I have all of the items she was wearing in my closet in one form or another. I know putting together that outfit isn't going to solve all of my problems or give me peace of mind, but it's my brain's knee-jerk reaction to insecurity. That's the crazy thing about life, there are definitely some recurring struggles we all deal with that are our Achilles' heels, you know? That's mine. Thanks for listening, and if I ever ask you where you bought something you're wearing, help a sister out - don't tell me.

- H

Don't forget, today's the last day to go to this post if you haven't put your name in the hat for this week's giveaway yet.