In-flight reading

I’m on a flight back from a meeting in Dallas. Regrettably I was too cranky at the airport to buy a magazine for my in-flight enjoyment, and I’ve read the American Airlines magazine three times in the last two weeks.

So let’s turn our attention to the Sky Mall magazine. Otherwise known as The World’s Strangest Compilation of Stuff to Spend Your Money On.

For instance, did you know you can buy a toothbrush that cuts your brushing time by 60%?! It’s called the 40 Second Electronic Toothbrush. So now, instead of wasting two full minutes of precious time brushing your teeth, you can complete the job in 40 seconds with this neat-o contraption. For the low low bargain basement price of – get this – $99.95. Holy crap, that’s quite a bargain. I’d be saving almost 100 seconds, twice a day, that’s 200 seconds at the price of almost a hundred bucks, carry the one, that comes out to something like sixteen dollars per minute per month? Or not. I was an English major, not a mathemagician.

A few pages later they’re offering an authentic (very very different from the knock-offs you see everywhere like at Walgreen’s or Borders or gas stations) handmade Irish Shillelagh. Picture a cane without the curved handle. With a bumpy surface because it’s been carved out of wood with knots. And it has a copper tip so that if your kids get a hold of it it becomes a deadly weapon that is seriously more dangerous than lawn jarts ever were. In fact, in the description they say it evolved (because honestly, would a walking stick ever just spring to life on its own?) from traditional fighting sticks (of course) and are used today to herd sheep and cattle. Good thing it’s offered in the American Airlines Sky Mall catalog, otherwise sheep and goat herders would probably never get a chance to see it, you know?

They have a diamond-tipped microdermabrasion kit. For some reason, the thought of using diamonds on my skin doesn't make me very comfortable. Diamonds cut glass. My skin is sensitive enough as it is. Pass.

There’s a portable microwave oven for three hundred bucks. That’s kind of a cool idea for those of us who love irradiated food. And it’s red, so that's cute.

There’s a telekinetic obstacle course. You know, the thing everyone already has (for a hundred bucks) that hooks up your scalp to electrodes and uses your focused brainwaves energy to move a magnetic ball through an obstacle course? Blah blah. Boring.

The laser-guided pool cue. Come on, people. That’s like calling “shooting guns at animals that aren't also carrying guns” a sport. The fun of billiards is hitting the cue ball a thousand times with no success, but then one time by some freak of physics magic you get it right on the mark and sink another ball. That’s when you get to cheer and gloat and act like a ringer. Laser-guided pool cue, jeez. Takes all the fun out of it.

The indoor barking dog deterrent. For those inhumane animal owners who like to send ultrasonic piercing soundwaves through their dog’s brains at the mere sound of a bark. Which, by the way, is how dogs communicate. And how they protect us from intruders. But yes, let’s punish them for talking. For a mere $49.95. There's actually quite a few interesting pet related items. Like two different end tables - one that becomes a dog crate and one that becomes a cat perch. And don't forget the fake palm tree potted plant kitty litter container. Because I want my cat's kitty litter in the living room.

They have the requisite Slanket. And a framed Bon Jovi gold CD collection for your wall, because who doesn't love the eighties. What better gift than a framed collection of CDs you can't play on a stereo? Huh?

- H