Dear Santa...

My Dearest Santa,

I apologize for the tardiness in getting you my Christmas list. I haven't been busy. I am just a little lazy, plus I know you work quickly so I'm sure you can accommodate.

1. Better skin. I put this on the list every year, maybe you think I'm kidding? I'm really not kidding. Pale, bumpy and freckly was cool for the first 37 years, maybe the next 37 I could try tan, smooth and seamless?
2. Sudden, unexplained weight loss not due to calorie restrictions or increased aerobic activity.
3. My oldest son's attitude to change for the better. No more whining or crying or throwing fits when he doesn't get what he wants. I know, it's a big one.
4. More time. Either more hours in the day or more days in the week, I'll leave that up to you. I have hobbies, you know, and recently (since the last four years) have found very little time to enjoy them. Maybe one day a week for crafting? And one day for shopping and/or gardening when the weather gets nice again? Just an idea.
5. More sleep. Maybe an extra hour a night would help with the first item on my list, too. See? Kill two birds with one stone. I'm all about helping you out.
6. A heating and cooling system in this house that doesn't cause me to curse out loud, sweat profusely, shiver with chills and curse out loud. And that doesn't require a structural engineering degree to operate.
7. Some sort of way of knowing whether or not the snail in our fishtank is dead or alive. Maybe a little flag he could fly when he's sleeping, so I know he's not dead and think about flushing him? As you know, this is a daily occurrence, and I really don't like reaching in to touch his slimy skin and make sure he's alive. Maybe you could talk to him, tell him floating upside down isn't a good thing?
8. Grey Ugg boots.

I think that's about it. If I think of anything else before Christmas I'll send you an email. By the way, when you get Cooper's letter where he asks for a bow and arrow, can you ignore that part? I explained that Santa isn't going to bring him weapons because of his age and your love of peace and all things nonviolent, but those idiots at Cabela's keep taunting him with a new catalog each week so he doesn't believe me.

Thanks, Santa. Merry Christmas.

- H