Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa. But my pants aren't going to catch on fire.

Am I the only adult in the free world who has actually watched the cartoon movie "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?" Cause I know I've had a margarita tonight and all, but it was a few hours ago and for some reason the freaky voluptuously sexy cartoon ladies singing "Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa, that's what Grandpa's gonna do..." just seriously makes me think maybe I drank more than I thought I drank.

You'll all be relieved to know that I did call my local dealership who services my Cheapuinox to schedule an appointment to have my flaming buns warmer fixed lest we all catch on fire while on the road. The lovely girl working the phone was super concerned about the risk of my car burning up with me in it and slotted me right in to their first available appointment, which is next Thursday. Hrmph. We shall be driving around in the Tahoe til then.

Next Thursday's going to be a big day. Right after dropping the flaming piece of crap at the car dealership, my oldest son and I will be headed to the hospital for a hearing test and then an appointment with his ENT doc.

Why? you ask.

Well, I'm sad to report that my child is stone cold deaf. He can hear very little. This happened a few years ago and it got better on its own, but at his age I'm just a little worried that if there is some sort of BIG PROBLEM and we let it go (much like the buns warmer) then we won't be able to catch it in time to fix it.

He had an ear infection a month or so ago. Antibiotics treated the infection, but he's since been left with no hearing. For a week or two I wasn't too concerned, but we're going on six weeks now, and it almost seems like it's getting worse.

"Cooper, let's get your shoes on."
Silence.
"COOPER. Let's get your SHOES ON."
"What?"
"COOPER, LET'S GET YOUR SHOES ON," which is accompanied by waving the shoes around so he knows what I'm talking about. By this point, Ruby knows what I'm talking about and has been known to fetch the flipping shoes and drop them at Cooper's feet as a hint.

It's actually quite disturbing. At first we thought it was selective hearing, right? So we started testing him. If you stand behind him and talk about Santa Clause or candy, he doesn't hear you. If you stand in front of him and talk about Santa Clause and candy, he can't hear that either. He has to be looking right at your face while you RAISE YOUR VOICE LIKE YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR 80-YEAR-OLD GRANDPA. Or 60-year-old father-in-law, whatever.

He had chronic ear infections as a baby and right around his one year mark he got tubes in his ears. They've since stopped working and turned sideways, or maybe pulled out? I'm unclear on what exactly they're doing, but we do know they are still in his ear canal and they aren't helping a bit. So we're back to the ENT to figure out just exactly what is going on and what we can do to fix it. I hope it's something simple like water on the eardrum? Something that new tubes or removing the defective ones can solve.

Just pray it's not something more serious than that. I don't know sign language.

- H