I am resolute.

I spent some time this freezing afternoon reading through old posts. I want to come back, I really really do. But it's hard to find my words some days. Anyway, I read something I wrote three years ago, at New Year's 2010:

In putting together that post, I got to read a lot of my old posts. A lot. And that's when I realized, that's what this blog is good for.

If you're a blogger, you've undoubtedly had one of Those Moments. The moment when you think "why am I doing this? What is this all about anyway?" You start to get bogged down in the popularity contest instead of just enjoying what you're doing, and why you started doing it in the first place. It starts to feel like a chore instead of a joy. 

That's why I'm back, why I like doing this. Because in reading all those old posts and walking down memory lane I felt warm and cozy. Even when they weren't warm and cozy posts and even though we lost Neil. I can't tell you why, but it's good to have my words reminding me what life was like when Griffin was a baby, when Cooper was a toddler, when Neil was with us.

I wasn't going to make resolutions this year. Because yeah. Everything changed this year, so much so that I don't actually have habits I need changing. For the last sixteen months I've been in a modified survival mode, every month better than the last. Plus, I already started Pilates again last fall. My posture is so much better, my back doesn't hurt every minute of every day anymore. I don't need no stinking resolutions! I thought.

And then when I was sucking down the large Pepsi from Taco Bell, the one that helped me wash down the Chicken Burrito with sour cream (highly recommend if you're at Taco Bell), I thought yeah, maybe I should get off the sugar sauce again. So that's my first one. No more large Pepsis for lunch, unless I like the bloated belly that sticks out farther than my boobs these days.

And then I have another one, The Big One. I'm gonna go do something drastic to myself. Something I've wanted to do for a long time, since I was in my twenties. I'm gonna go do some mammary sculpting (please refer to previous resolution). I don't need a second career as a stripper. I just want to look like I used to, back before I had kids. Before gravity did her awful thing to me. I'll keep you posted, I'm still in research stages of this thing.

- H