The one where my son said I look like a man

I’m writing this on a Southwest flight from Saint Louis to Omaha [with the magic of the world wide web, it'll actually be published much later in the day, prolly on my return flight to St. Louis]. In my new gig, I have to fly to some cities in Iowa and Nebraska on a fairly regular basis. I get to return home by dinner so it’s no big deal, but it has certainly added a layer of, shall we say, CHAOS to our morning routine.

This morning I got up at 6:00 to get in the shower. By 6:30 Griffin was yelling for someone to come get him, and Cooper crabbed his way down the stairs by 6:45, pissing and moaning that Griffie was yelling at him the whole way.

To be fair, Griffin was yelling at him. He picked up a super cute trick at daycare whereby he screams (or is he growling?) in a gravelly voice at anyone he wants to irritate. I always thought it was just him until I happened to be in his school room on a day where all the boys were ticked off at each other, and they were all screaming the same offensive gravelly scream at each other in a crazy round-robin that never ended. This was the day I said to myself “yeah, I love my job. No way in hell could I be a daycare teacher.”

So I was standing in my bathroom getting ready, and Cooper grumbled in to go potty. I just bought some new suits because my old ones were raggedy and didn’t fit very well. I put my last old suit in the donation box Tuesday night.

Today I put on my snazzy new black pants, a white dress shirt with French cuffs (LOVE French cuffs cause I’m tall and they make it look like the shirt actually fits me and I don’t have orangutan arms). I even jazzed it up with a chunky Boden stone necklace. Ooh la la, I was prepared to knock Nebraska’s socks off.

Cooper took one look at me and said “you look like daddy.”

What?!

Oh.

Yeah.

Black pants, white button down shirt. Except for the tie, I did look just like dad.

- H

I read a good book

The title of this post was kind of an untruth. I didn't really read an entire good book. I read the first half of a good book and who am I kidding? I don't have book-reading time anymore. Someday (hopefully in the not too distant future) I'll have book-reading time again, but not now.

So I had this cool book sitting around my house. My mom is a big reader, and doesn't mind spoiling storylines for me, so I gave it to her with instructions to read it and tell me what happens. By the by, did you know there are some weirdos out there that really don't like telling plots and storylines to books and movies? I just think it's strange, I have to practically force them to tell me what happens when we all know I'm never going to get a chance to read or see what I'm begging them to tell me about! So strange.

I'll spare you the spoilage, but let's just say I got a stream of live updates tonight as my mom was reading, filling me in on the suspense and twists and turns. She loved it, she's recommending it to her book club this winter.

I don't have a book club, but I figure if you're reading this blog you can read, and maybe someday you'll be sitting around thinking "hmmm, I wish I'd heard about a great book I could buy at Target or check out from the library." And then you'll be able to say "hey, wait! I did hear about a good book from Heather's mom (because honestly, I can't take credit past the first 35-40% which I thought was really good)."

I bought mine at an airport bookstore, but I'm Borders or Barnes and Noble has it, too. Let me know what you think if you read it.

It's called The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf, set in Iowa because the author is in Iowa. I have a friend in Iowa, I think she'll like this book.

- H

Who doesn't love garden gnomes?

I've been totally stumped as to what Griffin might be for Halloween this year. Target doesn't seem to have anything cute for his age, and he's just not into anything. Cooper has a ton of requests, from ghosts to Spiderman to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which he's never seen, by the way).

I stopped at JoAnn's the other day and I found it! The perfect costume for Grif - he's going as a garden gnome. I can't wait to make it and share the pictures. For some reason I can't copy and paste a picture of it, I'm sorry.

The cool thing is the same pattern that has the turtle shell has the garden gnome, so I saved four bucks. Cooper's thrilled and so am I. And Griffie will be happy when people smile at him and give him candy. Of course, I overpurchased all the fleece so I have enough to make two garden gnomes and three turtle shells and the urge to do so and sell them on Etsy is very strong. Must resist. Must resist....

- H

Can diuretics make you cry?

Alright, I went back to my crazy dermatologist today. I call her crazy in the loving-est way. I love her, really. If I printed her name you could Google it and see that she is somewhat famous in Saint Louie for shopping off the internet and furnishing her entire 10,000 square foot man-see-yon with designer bling from the eBay.

But I think I'd feel kind of funny putting that information out there, into cyberspace where everyone who likes to read the world wide web could see where I go when my zits are out of control and I don't want to look 37 anymore.

So for now, let's just say she's pretty cool and I like her.

Today I visited her for a little anti-aging advice on what in the hell am I going to do with this skin that is constantly breaking out? I know, you're thinking other people have real problems and Heather has bad skin, but this is a real problem. It's not just on my face anymore. No, I have this great area behind both of my ears that's super prone to pimples.

Last week I grew a couple on the side of my neck, which is totally cool.

My chest and back are always favorite spots but at least on the chest they tend to blend so nicely with my liver spots and crepe-paper sundamage that you can hardly notice. The final straw came yesterday as I was noticing that I now have zits on my upper arms.

I mean, COME ON. Shoulder caps? Biceps? It's disgusting.

So Dr. Fandango's office took mercy upon me and booked me super quickly and by 1:30 today I was sitting in her office reading brochures on Restylane and Botox and waiting to see what she was wearing today.

Most days she's wearing Chanel flip flops or Gucci boots. Today I didn't recognize her shoes. Probably because as she opened the door and turned to come in and sit down, she audibly gasped and said "oh honey! Are your periods ok? Because this is just not good, not good."

Me: "I don't know, I don't get them anymore. IUD."

Her: "Ugh! This is hormones, sweetie, I'm going to have to start you on sprintolaxacone [or whatever, I'm too lazy to go look at the bottle label]. Now the deal is, it's a diuretic but it actually works to regulate your hormones and I have a TON of women on it and it works really well. Drink a lot of water. It'll make you pee a lot."

Yadda, there was more conversation and maybe sometime down the line we'll change up my non-existent skincare routine, but for now I've started taking this diuretic. And I've also started weeping.

Yes, that's right folks. Diuretic = weeping for Heather. It's not really my fault. I finally dragged the laptop up to bed so I could watch House Hunters International where a couple of foreign bajillionaires are looking for a new house on the Malfi coast, and read my favorite blogs. It's something I haven't had time to do since 'Nam.

And wouldn't you know it? That Penne got me! She has the most beautiful post right now about pets. I laughed and cried, it was like the waterworks watching Terms of Endearment, and then read funny in the hood and sobbed through that one, too, only those were tears of laughter and the first ones were tears of denial that I will ever lose my girl Binnie. Where is she, anyway? BINNIE! Come sit by me for a second.

So I can't wait to see what the next few months on a diuretic are like if this is the first night. Hey, maybe I'll get all skinny and un-water-retained? Wouldn't that be cool?! Alright, I gotta go watch the ninnies - er, first-time home buyers - that think paint color is a deterrent to buying a home.

- H

Cute is as cute does

I found a super cute thing. It's called Clothkits, and it's genius and cute, the perfect combination.

Clothkits is a British company that sells, well, cloth kits. Pre-printed fabric kits for things like kid's clothes and women's skirts and pillows and all sorts of fun things. The Magic Tree skirt is my favorite.

Seriously, if someone were to introduce that in the States it would go over like gangbusters right now. If I had any gumption or desire to work ridiculously hard to start up a business, this would be it. Or maybe something different, but still - a very good idea.

I've totally downsized my fabric stash after clearancing out my Etsy shop and you know what? The sewing bug isn't gone. She's just living a lot more quietly in my head. Stewing and brewing and cooking up new ideas. My Etsy shop isn't gone for good, just for now. It's probably good timing, since the seasons have just dramatically changed. Now I can dream up cozy warm winter clothes for little girls.

The downside to not selling as much on Etsy is I've spent far too much time shopping on it. I recently caved and ordered a bunch of stuff that I'd been stalking all summer from gaiaconceptions. I can't wait to get them and hopefully I'll be all svelt and buff from my new exercise routine. I hope I'm still exercising by the time they come. In two weeks.

- H